One does not simply waltz into Dogs’ Paradise-there are protocols to uphold. Observe:

• Arrival: Ring the bell –once, with purpose – and await our staff outside. We shan’t have the resident aristocrats disturbed by your arrival. (Honestly, the chaos of commoners…)
• The Interview: We shall engage in a brief discourse about your companion’s habits. Have they eaten? Relieved themselves? Bring their breakfast if you must, though most novices are too overawed by our standards to indulge.
• The Introduction: Once you depart, we shall orchestrate a carefully curated walk with a select few canines of compatible breeding. No riffraff, I assure you.
• The Chill Lounge: Your companion will then be escorted to our sanctum sanctorum-a tranquil lounge where we assess their ability to comport themselves with dignity. No high-pitched barking. No slobbering on the chaise longues.
• Play Evaluation: Should they exhibit sufficient refinement, they may graduate to a playgroup befitting their temperament. Supervised, naturally-we are not savages.
• Lunchtime Siesta: A mandatory repose in our suites-where we discern whether they possess the sangfroid required for boarding. Do they snore? Shameful but we have earplugs available.
• Afternoon Forest Walk: A leisurely constitutional, followed by further socialization-or, for the delicate, quiet contemplation in the lounge.
• The Verdict: At 15h00, you shall receive a detailed dossier of our observations and a tour of our facilities. Try not to gawp.